What did you fall in love with?
5.1 You fell in love with you, the less-known part of you, and knowing this can radically change everything. You may need to read this again.
You saw yourself through love, you fell in love with the part of you, in them, that you may not yet have so much access to. Falling in love with them suddenly permitted you to have a relationship with that part of you. Their funny allowed you to experience your humour, suddenly you were thrust into a culture where funny is allowed to exist. Or they were strong allowing you to feel your strong because finally you felt held. Or they were free allowing you to finally experience your very own free.
It’s that thing about them, that thing you loved that you may not know also exists in you. It’s that qualities that you don’t so readily support in you, so you gravitate to it in them. Know this: If you fell in love with those qualities in them then those qualities are in fact close to you and who you’re called to be. Love is giving you feedback about you and what you need more of, and it’s your job to start to pick more of these qualities up.
And that’s the advantage of a relationship, you get to personally grow, but only if you pick these qualities up. If you don’t you’ll experience your relationship being pulled apart, that’s how relationships work. The thing that you fell in love with can take your relationship to the deepest places or rip it apart.
So as scary as it can be you’re going to have to pick that part up, that part that you fell in love with and integrate it into you. Fundamentally you’re going to have to grow. So you fell in love with their wisdom, their confidence or their charisma, now you’ll have to pick it up too.
And every time you don’t pick it up it’ll piss your partner off and take you further away from the relationship of your dreams.
Example: Brad: I fell in love with (yes) Tabitha’s amazing looks, because she’s gorgeous, but when I go deeper I fell for her wisdom, her knowing, the depths of who she is. I saw how incredibly wise she was, like one of those old Shaman women, even though she was only 20. And she is indeed all those things, but I fell for those unknown parts that are inside of me too. And if I don’t pick them up it pisses her off, because she needs the wise one in me to stand by her side, in strength and power and wisdom.
She knows who I am and on an almost unconscious level expects nothing less of me. Sometimes she doesn’t want to have to be wise and strong, we all need a break from what we feel we have to be. And when I pick up the wise and powerful me, then momentarily she can let it go, she gets a rest and I get to be more of who I’m really here to be.
Note for single friends: This is a really powerful exercise for you, you definately don’t need a partner to do this one, just notice who your heart tends to go towards and use them.
So let’s explore what you fell in love with, who you need to be.
Exercise 5
Your relationship can show you who you’re really here to be
*Please read this exercise or go straight to the audio with a pen and paper ready.
What did you first fall in love with, what was it about them that turned you on, what was it about them that made your heart flutter? Now, you can’t just say that you fell in love with everything about them, because there are always parts of them that are annoying too. This is about you being specific getting really clear on what it was that you fell in love with. And you can’t just say their looks, even though I’m sure that’s true, because there are tonnes of gorgeous people out there, many you wouldn’t give the time of day. So spend a moment, take your time, and notice what it was, what was it about them that initially got you, what was it about them that initially captured your heart?
Make a note
Now notice how you need to pick this quality up more for you, this quality that you fell in love with. If you fell in love with their strength how do you need to pick up more of your strength, if you fell in love with their confidence how do you need to pick up more of your confidence, if you fell in love with their humour how do you need to pick up more of your humour?
Make a note.
Then notice how you need to bring more of these qualities that you love about them back into your own life, to integrate them into you and then back into your relationship, rather than waiting for your partner to be all those things.
Explore how bringing out more of these qualities you loved in them can transform your life and your relationship. It can be tricky to pick up these traits as you think these qualities belong to them, but they don’t, you fall in love with you! Those qualities are yours, qualities that may be scary for you to do. There’s no greater gift that you can give to you, your relationship, and the world than picking these qualities up and integrating them back into an authentic you. So how do you need to pick up those qualities that you first fell in love with?
Make a note.
How would you live your life, how would your life and your relationship be different if you committed to what you discovered? Make a note of what would change, what would be different about you and your relationship, how would your life be new? Make a note.
Add what you’ve discovered from this exercise to your love story, how does it reveal more of your story?
Bonus Podcast Episodes
